Monday, October 11, 2010

When loneliness becomes a habit…

I could see them, chatting, strolling on roads together, bunch of youngsters walking past everyone in their own world. They looked so happy to me! I remembered my days when I used to spend hours at a tea shop, sipping tea and pouring words continuously.

I remembered my school friends and our constant giggling. Endless discussions on the matches we won and lost while we were in school!

My job compels me to meet various people. They share their experiences, sometimes good, sometimes worst. Then at office I sit between gang of girls where I never feel alone. As the day progresses the feeling of loneliness starts making its way through and then comes the moment when I have to walk alone towards my home every night.

I immediately call my family members, chat with them. Then after reaching home I call up my friends and again chat with them. The question that still remains is for how long phone is going to keep me company. For how long movies are going to divert me from thinking about my loneliness and not a single day goes by when I don’t press the repeat the play list button on my mobile! Sometimes I wonder why the hell I am doing this. Why the hell am I alone living with the old lady, eating outside food when my parents own a three storied bungalow? Is it independence or my passion? I wonder!

There is nobody here with me to fill up this empty space. Then I am lying awake till two at night thinking about the good old days. I seriously wonder whether I was sleeping and this storm has suddenly woke me up or I was in a misconception that I can mange myself alone!

I stay alone still I am so occupied by the thoughts of others. I haven’t eaten a rashogullas’ because my friend who likes them is not with me. When a friend mails me from England I just keep smiling the whole day! Then suddenly my best friend rings me and asks, why every blog of yours ends with you? The only answer I could think of is because I am the only one whom i spend time with these days.

Does this mean that a person like me is in a need of a companion? My answer is no, I have enough friends and too many family members who are ready to keep me company willingly but the time has changed now. I am no longer a so called sincere girl with all the notes and answers with me. I am no longer a girl who would fall for anybody just to seek company. Life is more about bigger things now. I have always done what I wanted. There is not a single decision that I regret in my life. My only regret while writing this blog is that I am sounding like 40 whereas I am just a 20 year old girl full of energy. At the end what makes me happy is that I have so many memories to cherish when I am alone. I have so many things to share with my family when I go home once in a month. I meet my cousins once in a while and we all roar in laughter thinking about our childhood tantrums.

Here I wonder again…I feel empty still so occupied! I may be living alone but good memories keep me company and my decisions keep me going…!

Another blog that ends with me…but I am not disappointed because I am thinking about how these words are keeping me company!